Beauty No Contest
by DeviouslySpikedTequila
Summary: What do you get when you cross Sanctuary's Nikola Tesla and John Druitt with Voldemort, and Edward Cullen in a one shot crack fic? Mayhem of course! Read and Review!


**BEAUTY NO CONTEST**

Voldemort straightened his bowtie and checked his reflection again in the Mirror. Or tried to anyway. A tall bald man was in his way. Again. "Hey Druit, you mind sharing, old boy?" John Druit stopped waxing his head and looked over to Voldemort with a distracted expression. "Oh, not at all dear chap." He smiled and moved aside politely. "I was just thinking, even if I don't win the 'Best slasher award in England' at least I'll be the handsomest devil there."

"Well I wouldn't worry about it, Johnny." Voldemort smiled evilly, which is the only way he was capable of smiling. "You're a real shoe in, no contest." Druit nodded in thanks and straightened his jacket. It was the fity eighth annual Mass Murderer Award Ceremony. (It was actually the eigth time in fifty years, since the show was put on whenever the hell they pleased and not actually every year; or every decade for that matter) Druitt and Voldemort were both nominated.

"I'm not worried about it at all." Druitt replied confidently. "I'm just saying I'm going to be the handsomest guy there." Voldemort scoffed. "I happen to think I look pretty good myself." Druitt grinned and slapped him on the back as they walked out of the Sanctuary, passing Tesla who was still muttering about his 'Electric gum'.

"Nikola, what do you think?" Druitt smiled. "Arent we the handsomest pair you ever saw?" The vampire scientist looked up and smirked. "If you're dating him, does that mean Helen is free tonight?" Druitt growled as Voldemort burst out laughing. "No. I'm beginning to think all those times you struck yourself with lightning may have affected your brain." Tesla shrugged and continued on his way in the oposite direction. "Dont be out too late, Helen roped us into helping out early in the morning." He called as Druitt and Voldemort disapeared out the door.

It was a little after midnight when they returned, not that anyone kept normal hour in the Sanctuary. Several people were up and about just as though it were afternoon rather than the dead of night. Druitt Teleported back to the Sanctuary and entered the front door fuming. "Cant belive we were completely snubbed! Completely. Not even an honorable mention!" Voldemort exploded. "And they gave most stylish villian to Vader, that pompuos bastard!"

Druitt shook his head. "He dosn't have our class. Not at all." He humphed as they crossed the main hall." I'm well handsomer than he is!" Voldemort nodded "And I'm better looking than you!"

"You are not! Im definately the better looking! Here I'll prove it." Druit marched up to big guy and tapped him carefully on the shoulder. "Here now. Which of us is better looking? Me or him?" Big Guy looked them both over carefully and snorted in distaste. "Niether. Your both too bald." He growled and went back to organizing the pictures. Voldemort frowned and ambled off, returning later with a questionable toupee. "There. Now I'm definately better looking."

Druitt snorted and next accosted Tesla. "Nikola. No you cant ask Helen out... focus you insane vampire." Nikola pouted and shook his head. "I know what you want. I heard you ask the walking rug. You're wasting your time. I look better than both of you. And what's on your head?" He asked suddenly turning to Voldemort and his makeshift toupee. Said toupee sneezed. "Are you wearing a Nubbin?"

"Maybe we need a woman's opinion?" Druitt suggested. Tesla nodded and pointed. "Helen acquired some new abnormal. It swears up and down its a vampire. If thats true I seriously need to consider devamping myself again." He pouted and lead the way over to Helen who was escorting a humanoid through the halls, giving him the tour.

"Helen. Tell these two poor deranged men I look better than both of them." Nikola grinned once they caught up to Magnus. Druitt rolled his eyes. "Be fair Helen, my dear. Which of us is handsomest?" Helen smiled and pointed to her newest aqusition. "He is. His name is Edward Cullen and we have a date tonight." She replied and continued on her way.

Tesla shrugged and turned to Voldemort. "You never had a chance Voldie. Helen only likes Vampires. I wonder what Cullen has that I don't." he frowned thoughtfully. Big Guy looked from Tesla to Edward and back again. "A glittery... disco stick?" Nikola smirked crookedly and headed toward the lab. "Well that's easy to amend."

As he walked away Tesla waved to Kate, who was on her way up from the lab with a newly repaired ipod. Voldmort adjusted his Nubbin and aproached her. 'Hey Baby." Kate pulled out her headphones and looked Voldemort over. "Oh, you cant be freaking serious." Voldemort grinned sloppily. "Your feet must be tired, because you've been runnning through my mind all day."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Not too tired for this." Kate growled and gave an almighty kick, knocking Voldemort to the floor. Druitt helped him up again. "Perhaps we are both too classy for this..."

**Authors Note::** Well there it is! A work by Deviously Spiked Tequila, or as you may call the pair of us DG and Cain. We hope you like this very strange um whatever you may choose to Call it please read and review and keep a watch for new work by us that may come in the future.


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